Luke 17:21, Hosea 14:3, Malachi 4:6, Psalm 139:14

Paula Hocking

This is my first article for "Life Files", so I'd like to introduce myself to you by sharing my conversion testimony and a little of what I've learned as God by His Holy spirit has been restoring me.

My early years were full of fear, because my Dad was an insecure man whose problem with alcohol made his behaviour unstable and aggressive.

My mother's family were Irish Catholics so we went to church on Sundays but I wasn't taught that I could have a personal relationship with Jesus and when my Mum divorced my Dad the rules that the Catholic Church abided by stopped her going to mass.

I didn't have a relationship with my Dad after the separation and he killed himself when I was 14. This increased my already growing insecurities and intensified my confusion; it was like being robbed of something I never really had. I had been taught how to behave on the outside and I didn't know how to communicate what I felt on the inside. It was very confusing and I just began to get angry at things and sleep more. I didn't know that it was natural to feel grief so I had no way of understanding what was going on in me.

By the time I was 18 I had discovered that if I had a drink (alcohol) I'd have a laugh .. When I wasn't drinking I felt miserable, I had fun when I was drunk, so I became dependant on it to be part of a social scene and to relieve me from my numbness to life.

I began to look to sexual relationships for love and comfort. I instinctively knew that love was the answer but I didn't know what love was. Whilst sleeping around I hoped that someone would love me and rescue me but no man could bring peace to the anger raging in me. I was secretly insecure and I ended up as a single parent with two children.

My youngest child was born with a genetic disorder, Brittle Bones and we were warned that he would be lucky to live. I fell apart mentally and emotionally and screamed to the heavens wanting to know if God was real, I was desperate for some answers about life and death. Then one day God showed me He had heard my cries. It was one of those divine moments that He so beautifully orchestrates for us, very personal and uniquely tuned to our individual spiritual hearing and seeing; the moment He knew I would know! This was the beginning of my journey of discovering God is Love, He is the Father of Jesus Christ, and He was what and Who I was looking for ".. For indeed, the Kingdom of God is within you." Luke 17:21.

As I met Jesus, Love Himself, He calmed the storm in my inner man and stilled my confused and broken mind.

That was 15 years ago and I'm still learning how to live knowing and accepting the love of my eternal Dad.

As a single parent I remember someone saying how not having a Dad around won't affect my children because "these days broken families are normal". It broke my heart to realise that our nation has become so accepting of broken families. We live in times when the family is not a secure place and where commitment isn't a guaranteed part of a love relationship. I realised that although there is much said about giving young people a "voice", in reality we are deaf to what they are saying. What are they saying? I now understand what I was saying when I was paralytic every weekend with no sense of value. I didn't "feel" anything, I was numb, dead because it was too much to make sense of and the pain was deeper than emotional, my spirit was broken. I think the actions of this binge drinking generation may be saying "we're confused, we're angry, depressed and grieving... Because we've lost our Dads, we have no role models, we have no parents.. and we're being told it's not supposed to hurt.. ". Their actions look hard hearted but they have been robbed of any values and can't afford to evaluate their behaviour, emotions have no frame work to make sense, they are broken in spirit.

We are a Fatherless Nation but "...in You O Lord the Fatherless find love, pity, and mercy" (Hosea 14:3).

May our hearts yearn as The Father yearns for "The turning the hearts of the fathers back to the children and the hearts of the children back to the fathers. (Malachi 3:6).

May young people know that they are known and loved by THE Father of fathers, The One in whom everything was and is created.

May we come in the opposite spirit of this land and let the children know that we hear their cries, encouraging them to enjoy all they are created to be and reminding them they are uniquely and fearfully and wonderfully made! (Psalm 139:14).