Exodus 20: 12, Luke 11: 11

Paula Hocking

One of the ten commandments is to "Regard (treat with honour, due obedience, and courtesy) your father and mother, that your days may be long in the land the Lord your God gives you." Exodus 20: 12. What a struggle we have to do that in our land where there is so much pain from broken families. So often parents haven't been able to stay committed to one another because of the lack of understanding we have of the true meaning of love and commitment which has penetrated our culture. So many fatherless children, who don't know what it is to trust authority. Children's foundational understanding of how to relate with authority is through their relationship with their parents.

I remember reading the scripture Luke Chapter 11: 11, " What Father among you, if his son asks for a loaf of bread, will give him a stone; or if he asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent?", and thinking my Dad would have given us a stone and a serpent. I realized I must have issues because my Dad was sometimes cruel and I remembered the time we were preparing for a family holiday to Butlins. He made us eat something we didn't like, (mine was currants) and told us if we didn't eat it we wouldn't be allowed to go on the holiday. I began to reflect on how his behaviour hadn't created a safe and nurturing environment and consider how a child's relationship with their Dad should be. I realized I must be affected by this but I didn't know then quite how much and how fear of making a mistake had shaped my life.

Sadly my Dad took his own life when I was 14 so I haven't had the relationship with him to work through why he would have behaved like he did, but the little I know of his background has been enough to help me think through and understand some of the whys. What I do know was that he didn't live with his Dad, I don't know the details but I know that at 14 his options were Borstal or the Navy and I know he needed to drink. This small amount of information has been enough for me to figure out that he didn't have the security and love that he needed to become an adult who could give love and security to his own kids. His cruel acts were perhaps out of a need to feel strong like any bully; inside he was weak and probably faced that weakness when he was sober, which trapped him in his drinking cycle. Until I became a Christian I hadn't thought about him much, as a family we never spoke about him. When my son was born with a life threatening disability I questioned everything and I made some very strange guesses to the reasons why he was born this way which included my Dads sins. These questions which although weren't based in truth were part of me trying to make sense of everything and as I was connecting my Dads sins with my sons condition I was being led to my discovering God as my real Dad. My son's birth forced me to cry out to the heavens for answers and it was heavens answer of the death and resurrection of Jesus who came to save me from my sins and the sins of my fathers where my journey towards spiritual freedom began. The cross is where my drinking stopped, where my pain was (and still is) released and where my new identity as a child of God began.

I discovered I had compassion for my Dad, perhaps because I began to see his weakness's weren't so different from my own, after all he was my Dad. Without accepting Jesus into my heart and surrendering to the process of healing I probably would have carried on drinking and I remember play ground situations where something would rise up in me that enjoyed a sense of power over my peers; I carried shame in my soul over those times and thank God I have been able to ask for His forgiveness; but my Dad didn't have that release, he was trapped in the shame of his sin.

It's been a real struggle at times to believe God is a good God because of my experience but in faith I have battled on and this year although I can still see my lack of trust of authority, the bondage to fear is loosening. In certain situations I used to be so scared of being wrong that I would rather not say anything, and sometimes when I did say something it was so difficult it would sound different than it had in my head because it was so costly to say it!! I would avoid situations that made me tremble which has meant if God wanted me to go somewhere or do something I would either not do it or have to go through it with all the fears stirring and unbalancing me. I have had to make decisions in my journey with Jesus to give him my life and let Him work on the earth through me which has meant sometimes I can't hide in my fear.

The next big question for me was how do I apply the command "Honour your father and mother" when my Dad is dead. I believe that the dignity of understanding his brokenness, his need and forgiving him for his sin is honouring.

I never cursed my Dad because I just never thought about him, but from the age of about 17 until 30 I cursed my Mum. I blamed her for everything, and I held her weaknesses to account. At 30 years old I remember hearing psalm 139 for the first time and saying to God "of all the women, why her, I hate her". My Mum had given all she had to give out of her lack whilst enduring the painful relationship with my Dad. She took the brunt of my pain and rejection. When I was drunk I would regularly remind her that she hadn't been enough, in a torrent of emotional rage.

When I had my children I found myself in situations similar to my Mum and found I was lacking in the same areas. I realized it was hard to love when you haven't been loved, you can desire to be a good parent but it's not always there to give if you don't have someone loving you. Jesus loved me in my sin and in my weakness and I began to experience Pure Love Himself. I was then able to begin to love and honour my Mum by firstly forgiving her for simply not being perfect. I have had the pleasure of listening to her story and seeing things from her perspective and can understand why she made some decisions. More beautifully through me Jesus has given her some freedom from the guilt she had concealed in her heart.

As I have followed Jesus in working out how to follow His command to honour my Mum and Dad, He has given my abandoned heart a home. He has allowed me to grieve for that which I missed and He has generously breathed His Life and warmth into my soul hopefully making me into someone who can love.

As we seek to honour our fathers and mothers God will break the generational curses and He, our Lord Jesus, Prince of Peace, and Everlasting Father remains the hope for this broken generation.