Shell from TBC shares vulnerably

Shell Perris

I know what it's like you know...to feel worthless and unloved...to wake up every morning and desperately search for a reason to get up and face the day...to wonder if there's ever going to be a point to living...to feel trapped - like there's no way out.

Being diagnosed with an eating disorder was never my intention. It started off as a cry for help, something that I was in control of. Then it became a part of me that I didn't want to loose. Sure, it didn't make me feel any better about myself, but in a strange kind of way it was exciting. It was a secret that only I knew about and for the first time in my life, I was in control.

But secrets always get exposed and one day I realised what was happening...I was slowly killing myself. I was destroying my body and mind from the inside out. I wanted to stop but I couldn't. I had become addicted to this thing that was now in control of me. If I ever had to look back to a time in my life when I was messed up and confused, that would be it. I didn't know what to do. All I knew was that I had to find a way to get rid of the pain.

As time went by it got worse and worse. My whole world was falling apart and all I could do was stand there and watch...until one day I was told that God loved me. What? God loves me? How can you say that God loves me? If God really loved me then he wouldn't be allowing this to happen to me!

I was desperate for a way out. I was at the point where I had to make a choice to do something about this mess I was in. If I didn't I was going to die.

"Alright then, God. If you really love me as much as you say you love me then why don't you come and help me? Why don't you prove that you love me?"

I didn't feel any different. Nothing suddenly changed. But somehow I knew that I was loved. Somehow I felt complete. Somehow I found the strength to stand up to my biggest fears and I knew that everything was going to be ok.

I was told that Anorexia would always be an issue for me and that I would never be totally free from it, but I believe that God healed me and within 2 years my life had been completely transformed. I was confident in the fact that I was unconditionally loved by God. I'm not going to pretend that I understand God and how he healed me but after my experience, I will never be able to deny that he exists!

It breaks my heart to think that there are millions of people in this world who are hurting and desperately searching for someone to tell them that everything's going to be ok; for someone to wrap their arms around them and say those 3 precious words that they are longing to hear. I hate to say it, but if that's what you're still waiting for, you won't find it in the place where you're expecting to find it. You'll find it in the person who has faced the same experiences that you're facing; you'll find it in the person who has always been there, even though you haven't realised it; you'll find it in the person who has cried every single tear with you; you'll find it in the person whose heart is breaking at the sight of your pain; you'll find it in God. And do you know what?...All you have to do is ask and he'll be there.

If you'd like to pray now, if you struggle with similar issues, then why not visit the Cross Rhythms Prayer Rooms?

If you feel you'd like someone to talk with, then check out these counsellors.