With sisterly love from Joy Attmore

Joy Attmore

Dear Men - sons, brothers, husbands, fathers and friends,

As a woman - a daughter, sister, wife and friend - I think that maybe I, and we as women, have made a grave error, and I fear that as a result you have suffered.

You see, we were led to believe that perfection was what was required from us in order to succeed and so we created our worlds around it. If we wanted to be loved, we were told that we needed to fit a certain criteria of beauty; we needed to be smart, but not too smart so as to prevent our future lovers from feeling intimidated; we needed to be able to be both a successful woman in the workplace and a committed wife, mother and caretaker of our homes; our bodies couldn't have lumps, bumps or marks on them, they must remain smooth, tight and wrinkle-free in order to maintain attractiveness. We were sold an airbrushed lie and we readily believed it.

I think maybe you believed it too.

I think maybe we've both been sowing into a belief system without even realising it, investing our thoughts, time and money until it has become 'just the way it is'; the accepted norm. Our perfectly-posed selfies and skilful use of filters, adoration and lustfulness over the latest snapshot of our favourite, skinny celebrity and, at the same time, our judgement of anyone who looks even slightly dishevelled, have become our acts of agreement, our silent stamps of approval.

We've cemented something as true that should have been thrown out with the trash centuries ago.

As we began to sink under this slow oppression of our individuality and womanhood, I think we began projecting this demand for perfection on those around us, onto you. I fear that we all too easily exchanged the truth of God for a lie.

Our magazines and TV shows, our giggles and gossips, our fantasies about what a perfect man is and our wish lists created to help find one, haven't helped you to become who you were made to be, but have potentially just bred more insecurities and fed more inner doubts. All of these high expectations and idolatrous desires seem to have created a powerfully dangerous pressure cooker that now surrounds our young men and women, attempting to squash their breath until they bow down to the same ideals and find any avenue possible to achieve these unattainable goals.

As your sister, I am sorry.

I'm sorry if you've ever felt the need to change who you are, or what you look like, to fit in or be accepted. I'm sorry if you've ever looked in the mirror and hated what you saw, skipped a few meals, stayed a few hours longer in the gym and not treated your body as it should be, in an attempt to get someone else to love you. I'm sorry if you've found yourself striving for perfection because you thought that's what we wanted.

The truth is, all we really want is you.

There are three men in my immediate, biological family, my dad and my two brothers. I would not change an inch about them. They each have their quirks and rough edges and maybe if you were to sit them down under a spotlight and ask them if they want to change anything about themselves, they may just answer yes. But I wouldn't. I adore them and to me they are perfect. I love that they're all long and tall and to get a comfortable hug I have to crane my neck over their shoulders. They give great hugs and they're easy to spot in a crowd!

I fell in love with a man who physically looks very different to the men in my family, but carries the same characteristic of a tender heart that loves well. Again, if you were to ask him whether he would, or has ever, wanted to change something about himself, he very well might respond with a yes. But I love every feature that makes him, him. If suddenly he decided that he would look more attractive if he was like my brothers and went about changing himself physically do to so, I would mourn that loss. Because it would be a loss.

You are so perfect just the way you are, in the skin that you're in, with every lump, bump and scar that you wear. You are so lovable and worthy of love regardless of the mistakes you've made, the weird things you've said, or the secrets you hold.

As your sister, I love you and please forgive me.

Please forgive me for the moments, days or seasons, where you have not felt loved, championed or supported by me. Please forgive me for the words spoken or actions displayed that have made you feel less than, or caused you to believe that you needed to change. The truth is, I want to see you, I want to know you just the way you are, because what makes you attractive isn't being a clone of a thousand others, it is found only in you being you.

I know my words don't hold the sovereign power to change what you believe, or even alter what you feel, but my hope is that in reading them you might find some truth. Truth is a powerful asset to our hearts and minds, it has changed me many times over the years and continues to do so. I don't want to change you, but I do want to see you free.

So may you, my precious brother, hear today that you are valued, you are needed, wanted, loved and desired. The truth is you would be missed if you were no longer here and we would mourn the loss if you suddenly tried to change yourself to be somebody else. We do see you. We do value you and we do want to know you.